Sometimes I read my work and feel like I haven’t dived deep enough, like I’m just treading water at the surface of my emotions and my experiences or that I’m finding ways to word my work that coats it in sugar instead of just writing the truth, letting my words flow out regardless if it lacks some poetic creativity. Sometimes I forget that it’s okay to drop the poetry from time to time and just write! Lately I’ve been all over the place, so lost and unsure, doing everything that I shouldn’t and losing my mind inside the alcohol. I know exactly why and yet I’m still confused as to why, why him? Why has he affected me so much? I hate to admit it but I still feel sick when I think about him, right now my stomach just dropped, flipped, tied itself into knots. I was so fucking fine before him it makes me mad…though when I actually think back to the week before I met him, fuck I guess I really wasn’t in a good place, if anything I thought he was going to be the one to pull me out of it, turns out I shouldn’t have tried to rely on anyone to pull me out of anything, I gotta do that myself. I just need to let myself feel all of this, like really feel it openly, even by writing it all out I hope it helps. It’s the smallest things that get me like calling one of my cats ‘little floof’ the other day, it’s a name I had started calling his cat while I was there and I was like FUCK!! Transported right back there and I can’t escape it. I also think it was made worse by him blocking my number even though he played the ‘all I want is you’ bullshit card when he text me to dump me…I guess I’ve just been waiting for a text or ‘I’m sorry’, ‘hope you are ok’, anything really though I know that wont happen. I downloaded Tinder again but all I can do is scroll it to see if he is back on there as some kind of validation that all he wanted to do was find someone else, like a masochist I torture myself searching for his face…I haven’t found it. It’s like going cold turkey from a drug that you were force fed.
So yeah, this is where I really am right now. Confused and a little fucked up but ready to admit it to myself. I need time, I need distractions (healthy ones) as well as my friends. I want to move on but I don’t want them to have to share my brain with thoughts of him. So I am going to wait for a little longer before I jump into anything, unless someone comes along that knocks him right out of my brain and who gives me nothing else to think about but them.