My T-shirt said ‘Good Vibes’, it was new.
My dad had passed away, I was fresh out of a toxic relationship and I hadn’t been back from Spain long.
I was getting ready to go out and feel seen, smiling in my room for selfies I would never post, seemingly happy even to myself.
I had every piece of hurt locked away in the back of my mind like I always had done. Growing up as a only child in a broken home with an alcoholic mother and a dad that wasn’t around all that much had taught me that I couldn’t and shouldn’t rely on anyone, especially to help with my pain so I just put a padlock on it and kept it safe, under control.
I’d seen too much growing up, been hurt too much, I was damaged in so many ways and I had stayed broken.
The night pushed on, whiskey on top of whiskey, laughing with my friends, bumping into people I hadn’t seen in a while with a smile plastered on my face while on the inside I started to die.
To this day I can’t recall what the trigger was and I probably never will.
I remember standing in the back of the bar, nothing but a ghost to everyone around me, the music had stopped in my mind and the people passing me by were nothing but shadow.
No longer in a bar but instead sinking in vast water, silently screaming.
I can’t remember what time I got home or when it began but the drinking didn’t stop.
The whiskey had broken the padlock and years of painful emotions were exploding through my head.
Sobbing, screaming into my pillow. Mind consuming emptiness as my grandad slept on unaware.
I do remember even in my despair not wanting to take pills that my grandad would need so i went to the box of pills he kept that he no longer used and started there.
The labels on the pills no longer mattered.
Washing it all down with wine i had hidden under my bed.
Using pain killers to kill the pain in my heart.
I couldn’t make myself happy, I couldn’t find hope or see a life for me where I woke up everyday not feeling completely hollow.
Another failed relationship, my heart torn out and lonely, my dad was gone and I would never see him again and suddenly I was that broken child again, crying watching my mother’s farther strangle her in the kitchen while I hid under the table.
I found the kitchen scissors and started on my thighs at first, droplets of red began to form while my tears streamed in the silence but it wasn’t enough, still numb, still worthless and empty. It was then I told myself that I was never going to be able to feel anything again.
I just wanted to die.
Just fragments of memories remain but I remember laying on my bed still wearing my ‘Good Vibes’ top, I was tired, I was over and I was calm.
A voice at the other end of my phone was begging me to stay awake.
‘Tell them all that I’m sorry, please tell them that I love them and that I’m sorry’
‘I’m so tired, I’m going to go to sleep now, ok?’
His voice was frantic as my music played softly and my replies became less frequent.
He had called the ambulance and they were on their way.
I wasn’t quite sleeping when I heard the knock on the door and the panic set in. Not for my health or my life but It was then I realised that the knocking may wake my grandad and I didn’t want him to see, while being that out of it I didn’t even think about the fact he would have been the one who found me.
See, when you are feeling desperate enough to find peace in taking your own life you don’t see the people around you, you can’t think about their pain in the aftermath because the emotion is just so consuming that you just want it to stop regardless of the cost to those you love.
It was the panic of my grandad being woken that helped in stopping major damage.
I couldn’t understand the paramedic nor could I communicate at that point, words wouldn’t form or leave my mouth as they bundled me into the ambulance while the sun rose.
A new day dawned a day that I may not have been alive to see.
So that is my story, or the fragments that I can remember. I have hidden this event for years out of embarrassment and shame from most of the people I love but now a few years have passed I can understand the power in the honesty of sharing the events that have shaped my life. I hope my honesty can inspire others to be more open to those who love them and help them to see that there can be so many more days for them to experience and that each day can get better If we just hold on long enough to see it.
One thought on “‘Good Vibes’ I wanted to die”
This one of the most powerful things I have ever read and one of the best descriptions of what it’s like to feel that level of despair, those depths…that moment…that I have ever seen anywhere. I am going to print this out and use it with clients when we talk about suicide from now on. This one will impact more people than you can ever know. Bravo my friend. From the depths of my soul, thank you, thank you…and I’m so glad and grateful you’re still here.