Night time is creeping in, 8:18pm.
Sat alone with my fake Malibu and tropical mix, cigarillos at hand and headphones on.
The most beautiful songs in the world playlist playing in my ears, (one of the only playlists I had already downloaded before coming here.
Still no signal no matter what I try or where I walk to on this campsite.
No internet, no Netflix, Youtube or blog posting and clouds rolling in that look like rain.
I’ve honestly never felt more alone, I ‘ve done Paris alone, Spain alone yet here in the UK just 15 minutes
from the beach in this idyllic cabin I feel the most isolated that I ever have not having signal.
So far all this trip is showing me is just how much I use and rely on my phone and the internet.
Just knowing I cant reach out to anyone, check social media or post a picture of my stay as and when I want to feels simply terrifying and its just sad really.
When I was younger all I could do was live in the moment, wait till I got back to school to tell them about a trip, keep a diary, write down what I did everyday, just live fucking life! Not post about it every 5 minutes.
I need to get back to my youth, mentally. I didn’t have a phone then and I sure can cope without one now for a few days.
I wanted to come here to escape, be far away where no one knows my name, yet I’ve never wanted to be sharing an experience more in my life!
I have everything I need, food, a cosy bed, wine, my note book and the ocean. Hopefully after tomorrow I’ll have settled into it.
I’ll drink and work on music, luckily I have some new backing tracks on my laptop, maybe turn these emotions into songs and maybe by Friday ill understand why being so alone with no phone feels so hard to do!
Drink number 3 almost finished.
Maybe I’ll try my gin next and raid my little fridge for snacks.
Who knows, maybe having no signal will become a blessing. Time will tell, Or maybe I’ll just go insane, drink all my alcohol and hide in my cabin till it’s all over on Friday, lets find out!
Waiting for downloads
Writing on paper white
The only place for signal
Is the place that feels most wild
Sending picture updates
Right by the waters edge
Yet back inland at my cabin
My phone signal is dead
My last full day
I’ve been restless here
Trapped somewhere between ok and lonely
Not relaxed or refreshed
Just in a state of being
I’m not sure what I expected from this trip but
I don’t think I found it
I haven’t hated it or fully enjoyed it
Maybe as a reflection of where I am in life right now, I guess It’s cemented in my mind just how much I enjoy having someone in my life to share life with, though I’m struggling so much to feel much of anything lately, just walking numbness
I thought this would have been the perfect place
to be alone and in so many ways it is, if that’s what you want, I’m just realising I dont.
I want a connection like waves across sand and someone to hold my hand on my next trip.